Post-Op

(Not even having a beer with all the Vicodin did anything to help/hinder my pain!)

I wrote the following on my laptop journal the day after my surgery. Almost a week later, I decided to go back and read what I had written. The words bring memories of pain to my unforgetting mind, and thought I probably won't re-read this after I post it...

Here are those [to me, agonizing] words...

"For the past week I have pushed myself to the most physical and mental extremes. Not by choice, but by what the doctor said was a necessity. But when is a necessity unnecessary?

Yesterday, overflowing into today, and even down to this very second as my fingers hit each key on the keyboard, I am in the worst pain I have ever known.

I once heard that we don’t remember our own births because it is so painful that “mother nature” blocks that moment from our memories.

That may or may not be true, but this feeling -- this pain -- that I’m feeling right now is so intense that I know I will never forget it.

For the past 24 hours it feels like my foot has been trapped inside of a bear claw, spring-loaded trap. It feels like the metal is pressing, squeezing, clamping down onto my ankle with no sign of relief in sight.

[[Where is the hunter to put me out of my misery!?]]

I try to sleep, but the pain wakes me up. I try to watch TV, but the pain redirects my attention. Even while typing this, I am squirming. My neck muscles are strained. My back aches. I feel stuck. Stuck in the pain. Stuck in this bed. And stuck… in the worst possible situation I’ve ever found myself to be in.

I can’t imagine the thought of having to live like this. I haven’t ventured outside since Tuesday, the day before my surgery, because walking on crutches is almost unmanageable in this city, and the minutes-away commute will easily turn into hours.

I have a new appreciation for those who are disabled in this city. A new interest in pain. why, Why, WHY is it here? What can I do to make it go away? What did I do to make this so intense?

WHY are the pain killers not killing the pain and the pressure?

The Pressure...

The pressure in my ankle is trickling down into my kneecap.

Unbearable. Unimaginable. Unanticipated.

THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN!"